(MON)DAY #12: It is ok not to be ok.

I've literally just gulped before I start typing on this blank canvas. 

This is an extremely difficult topic to write. My heart is pounding quite hard. I have no idea how this will turn out. This is unlike our usual musings about self-improvement and productivity hacks. It is about something that I know people around me are facing and I might even have brushed shoulders with. 

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Have you ever felt like you might be depressed or deeply unhappy? 

People think that depression is a big word -- taboo, intense and distant. 

I read this and it is leading to this spiralling of thoughts.

In university, I made a presentation about journaling in Corporate Communications 101 class. I advocated journaling because I have identified it as a way to help me remember crucial events and moments -- happy, sad and funny. One of the examples I gave was how I actually captured a tragic story that happened and the lessons that taught me in my journal. Someone I knew ended his life. I choked slightly when I talked about that incident. 

My presentation received very mixed reviews. Classmates came up to me, telling me that it was a great speech and presentation - they were moved and they felt like crying. My professor gave me a B+. She struggled to explain why she gave me that result but it was something to the effect that it might have been too emotional or intense. 

"Is it? But this is REAL",  I wanted to stand up for my views. (i was an innocent kid then otherwise it would have been"this is FUCKING REAL").

I did not raise my voice or protest, of course. I slithered away, feeling disappointed. That was the moment I realise people are uncomfortable with confronting sad things, imperfection and confusion. They don't want to talk about it or hear about it. 

This gets amplified on our social channels - places where we construct our self-identities. No, there is nothing wrong with building an image for yourself. Sometimes, yes, we just want to capture the beautiful and significant moments in our lives through photos. Those are real moments as well. 

Yet don't you often catch yourselves expressing Instagram envy? 

No one's life is perfect. That's the utter truth. 

We see the gorgeous couple in the perfectly manicured Instagram shot looking like they are so bloody in love - the girl with the tousled locks kisses the boy with the sparkling blue eyes - but when was the last time they shared a good, ol' emotional hug? 

"Everyone presents an edited version of life on social media. People share moments that reflect an ideal life, an ideal self. And all that we are consuming are but carefully curated half-truths that perhaps, we all take too seriously." - ESPN on #LifeUnfiltered

In recent months, I have heard people around me telling me that they are not happy and that they feel empty and somehow, they think they are very much alone in this. We aren't. I'm told I'm innately quite an optimistic and resilient character but I have had my dark days and moments.

I have no magic formula. Everyone has their own coping mechanism.
For myself, it is cry, cry, cry, write, write, write, bend, bend, bend, walk, walk, walk, talk, talk, talk and then laugh, laugh, laugh. For importantly, don't run away from the dark moments and don't be afraid to reach out and seek help.

Sit with your feelings and tell yourself it is ok not to be ok. 

Spaces #1: B is for Brighton

Spaces is a new series covering places (a workspace, a studio or even a city) that inspires or encourages creativity and entrepreneurship. Know of one that would be perfect for this series? Drop us a note at thelittlesparkofmadness@gmail.com

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I recently visited Brighton, a seaside city on the south coast of England. What struck me was that despite its small size (a city of 160,000), it has a vibrant independent culture that punches above its weight. 

How does a small city have such vibrancy and audacity to dream and create? 

For Brighton, the answer seems to span history, culture, and the population it attracts and cultivates.

Brighton's history of arts and culture (and sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll) started with the Prince Regent, a patron of the arts who came to Brighton in 1783 and accelerated its growth with parties and gambling. In 1815, he commissioned the Royal Pavilion, his "seaside pleasure palace", where he had liaisons with his older lover and secret wife, Maria Fitzherbert.

Scandalous.

Since then, Brighton has become an open-minded city whose mantra appears to be 'Live and let live'.

Its gay pride parade 'The Brighton Pride Festival' is one of the UK's biggest and most flamboyant. It is a colourful celebration of diversity and will be ringing in its 25th anniversary this August with, well...pride and aplomb, as they do every year.

Photos by David Myers Photography

The city's liberal outlook is not limited to just sexuality. It spills over to politics too - in 2010, it elected Britain's only Green Party MP.

Brighton's network of top universities (University of Brighton, a top arts university, and the Brighton Institute of Modern Music) also means a constant influx of youth.

In summary, free spirits, artists and the young flock to Brighton; their experimental and open disposition means exploration of alternative businesses. Society's ability to accept alternative views and lifestyles means that people are more willing to try new things. Together, that has allowed the independent business scene to bloom. 

Here's a spotlight on some of Brighton's Independents

Small Batch Coffee Company

Listed as one of the top 50 coffee shops in the UK by The Independent, this Brighton-based coffee company is committed to providing customers the finest quality green, sustainable and Fair Trade beans. You can buy their roasted beans either online or enjoy a cuppa at one of their eight Brighton locations (not bad for a company that began roasting in 2007).

Boy Parker and The Illustrated Mind

Boy Parker is a store that specialises in teeshirts from independent brands. I've visited them twice in my visits to the city and they consistently have great, quirky and fun designs. In 2010, they went on to launch The Illustrated Mind, a teeshirt design label/collective that aims to represent emerging illustration and design trends and talent.

Boy Parker provides the perfect testing ground for The Illustrated Mind's latest designs, allowing the team to curate their collection to its best-selling form and offer it to other stores. As corporate-speak goes, they've got S-y-n-e-r-g-y. 

The Brighton Open Market

The Brighton Open Market used to be home for the trading of not-so-legitimately-obtained goods. In 2014,  it underwent a major revamp and is now home to 50 of Brighton's producers and creators, focused on local produce and ethical products.  

Their tenants include Foodshed - a social enterprise focused on locally grown or made produce. They offer workshops to help customers learn about the processes and waste that comes with the food they buy. They also run a 'rent a shelf' scheme to allow local producers to sell their goods without incurring unaffordable demands on their limited resources.

The North Laine

You can't talk about independent businesses in Brighton without bringing up The North Laine. Filled with cafes and various independent boutiques, it's a definite must-visit to soak in the bohemian vibe of the city.

(MON)DAY #11: No such thing as too many shoes

A few weeks ago I wrote about buying time instead of material things. By and large I am adhering to that but shoes are my achilles heel (no pun intended).

When I was a child, I used to get dressed up in my mum's or mum's friends clothes. I was about 4 or 5 when I slipped on my first heel (it was about 4 sizes too big and I only wore it for about 5 seconds).

I bought my first pair of high heels when I was 15 and worked a pair of knee-high gladiator wedges through much of University. Which incidentally led me to become friends with the only other girl in school to wear similar ridiculous yet fabulous footwear.

On my 21st birthday, my ever practical friends bought me two shoe wheels. I filled them up and fulfilled my commitment to never let them go till I moved to a smaller place that couldn't accommodate them.

The point is, I really love shoes. All 43 pairs that I currently own.

4 of 43 pairs.

When the article of Miranda Kahl and her work uniform popped up a while back, someone suggested I try out a capsule wardrobe. I would say I dismissed the idea like an calm and collected adult, but my inner reaction was completely aghast - how, what, and most importantly, why would you wear the same thing to work for 3 years?! 

Miranda Kahl in her work uniform.
Courtesy: Max Ahlborn

Lately however...the idea seems to have taken root (also partly brought on by another shoe buy). 

Like most people, I notice that ~80% of the time, I'm only wearing ~20% of my wardrobe. 

So, maybe this could work? I could have less things cluttering up my life, and really get maximum use out of the things I do own. 

Some people go as far as having a 10 item capsule wardrobe, some 33 pieces across 3 months (see Project 333). My fashion challenge is less extreme - I'm going to start with downsizing my shoe collection first, by getting rid of shoes that I don't love or don't quite fit. 

Then, it'd be the (slightly frightening task) of creating an all-seasons capsule wardrobe master list, like what Laura (thelovelylauralife.com) has done. This will help me figure out what my capsule wardrobe's magical number is. 

If  you'd like to join me on my journey, here are some general tips from capsule wardrobe experts:

1. Start by getting rid of everything you don't love

Think of it as a therapeutic purge where you get rid of things that don't fit, don't love or haven't worn in a while.

These don't fit. They're also not mine.

2. Creating that master list of things that you need 

Make a list of all the things your master wardrobe would have, and what you would need to get to complete it. Since we live in tropics, there isn't really a huge need to think about dual-season (hot and cold) clothing that can be layered.

Nonetheless, I do travel so I have some cold-weather items lying around (leather jacket, coat, etc) but I won't include those in my master list. 

3. You don't need to do an 10-item wardrobe. Find your own number

The objective of a capsule wardrobe is not to follow an arbitrary small number, but to learn to live with less, or not more than you need to.

4. Get going! 

Stop thinking about it and just try. Good luck! 

(MON)DAY #10 "We are not at the same stage."

I'm at this awkward/wonderful stage of my life whereby a few of my friends are transitioning or have transitioned into roles that I'm completely foreign to (or so I thought). On the surface, I feel like we are very different. It seems like we are quite out of touch with one another's lifestyles, values, experiences and priorities.

This will sometimes lead to some slight awkwardness on my end. For instance...

What do I say to a friend who is pregnant or going to give birth? What do I say to a friend who is immersed in her first few months of marital bliss and preparing dinner for the husband who may come home any minute? Should I excuse myself or should I stay on and watch their happiness unfold before me voyeuristically? I'm ill-equipped to give any advice or provide any relevant support. There are no anecdotes that I could share, no examples I could give...I'm...at my wits' end!

These are hurried streams of thoughts that will bombard me.  I appear like a cool chick to my friends -- at least I think I do except that one time when I met my pregnant friend, I smiled shyly at her (SHYLY! Can you believe?) and asked tentatively, "Can I touch?"

Last Sunday, I met my friend's baby for brunch. I don't know where I have found that "courage" but suddenly I know how to deal with babies and other things that come along at the other stages of life. (i.e. wifely and motherly duties). It dawned upon me that maybe we are not that different.

My friend, the baby's mother is still as pretty as ever. There is a glow on her face that you can't miss. She looks more radiant than the single ladies.

When I first arrived at the cafe, I was feeling a little out of place. Stroller. Limited walking space. Everyone was hovering around the baby, fussing over the baby. I sauntered in fashionably late, lifted the stroller nonchalantly and kept it out of the way. That was when I realised I was part of the scene that I initially thought was a little chaotic and incredibly out of my league. A few moments ago, I was staring at it, wide-eyed.

The next thing I knew, I did not waver when I took over the baby duties. Where did that ease and confidence come from? The baby's mother told the father to help because I may "drop" the baby. A couple of minutes later, the mother praised me, "Si Ying, you will make a good mother."

Once I stopped putting a fight with things that seem different and out of my comfort zone, things came naturally to me. I instantly put my mother's advice into action -- to talk to babies like they are little adults. I tried to make the baby laugh by being silly myself. It was effortless.

It may be true that what I'm facing is very different from what my married friends are facing. We have all in some way or another witnessed our parents, relatives and older siblings go through what our friends have experienced. It doesn't mean that we need to be similar to be able to connect with our friends who have "moved on" to the next stage of life. Try the following:

1. Do not avoid such social settings.
2. Be normal and be yourself.
3. Finally, enjoy.

There is nothing to be afraid of.  Relish the simple pleasures like watching a baby laugh and be entertained by the chuckles, talking about education and music classes and wondering about travel and fashion...

This little gathering on an ordinary Sunday morning with a baby in the mix was one of the simplest and happiest get-togethers I had in recent times, contrary to my previously held belief.

(MON)DAY #9 Thanks

I turned 27 last Sunday. My celebration was low-key - good food with good company. Yet the realisation that I'm undeniably in my late 20s has made me feel a little anxious; when I was 21, I had an image of what I would be and have at age 27. These days I find myself quite focused on righting what I don't have together and getting stressed about how far away I am from what I think I should be.

Thankfully, I have good friends. One of them gave me a gift - a gratitude journal.

My Gratitude Journal (Thanks to @rynthemean)

The practice of keeping a gratitude journal isn't new - Oprah's been doing it for years - and easy to understand. The rationale: keeping record of things that you're grateful for, forces you to make a conscious effort to appreciate the positives in your lives. It's a reminder that things aren't all gloom and doom and that there are others out there who contribute to your life and happiness.

From Oprah.com

I'm not really sure how this will work for me, but I've decided to give it a go, starting with one of my favourite things in the world - food.

As I penned down some of my favourite dishes, I genuinely did feel a little less blue about the weekend ending. I felt thankful for having experienced these gastronomical treats and I savoured memories of my first visit to Meat Liquor in the UK (happy to report they'll be opening up in Singapore this month and I've an entire cookbook of their recipes to try), evening dinners when my mother made delicious oxtail stew, and the joy of chocolate...

If you're interested in getting started on a gratitude journal, here are some of the best practices that may help you reap the most rewards:

1. Make a conscious decision to be happier and grateful. You shouldn't be listing these things down just for the sake of it.
2. The longest list doesn't win. It's not a contest where the person that has the longest list wins. Listing down 1 or 3 things that ring true and deep is better than 10. 
3. Not all things are equally impactful. Apparently, focusing on people to whom you're grateful is better than focusing on things, and unexpected surprises (good ones of course) tend to result in stronger levels of gratitude. 
4. No stress, you don't have to do it every day. Once or twice a week works just as well, since you're less likely to 'burn out'. 

The journal I received has a bunch of lists you can complete or empty pages for you to write freely. You can get something similar from Kikki.K here. Alternatively, just grab an empty notebook and start!

For those who prefer something digital, you can try out an online gratitude journal Thnx4 by the UC Berkeley Greater Good Science Center. It comes with email reminders and you have the option of keeping it all private. You should know that using Thnx4 means that the data you provide may be used by the centre in their research on social and emotional well-being, which hopefully means more tips and tools for the rest of us to lead happier lives. Participation is voluntary and your data is kept anonymous, but you can opt out at any time!

Not for you? Then maybe try out mobile app Get Gratitude (available for $1.99 on the App Store)  or Happier (free for download here on the Play Store).

Fingers crossed on giving thanks!

(MON)DAY #8: A half-read book is a half-finished love affair.

“A half-read book is a half-finished love affair."

- David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas

This year, I set a simple goal for myself – stop accumulating, start completing.

This is my stack of half-finished books and oh, to add on to that, I bought a Kindle last year (or was it the year before?) Did I fully utilise my Kindle? No, in fact, it is lying sadly on my desk - pitiful little electronic thing that has now run out of battery life. (I love it; it is a nifty little thing. It can't replace good ol' books though.) 

Outside work, I have plenty of interests -- outside the sphere of control, that's when I go haywire. Sometimes I get distracted by new ideas that spring up in my head and will somehow not be able to see to the end of some side projects that I have conceptualised. 

I set a few guidelines for myself.... 

1. I try not to buy new stuff, or sign onto the new 'activities'. Every time I am tempted to do so, I will question myself, will this add to the clutter in my room (which could potentially mean inner clutter as well)? If yes, then I won't subscribe to it. 

2. Do I really need to make this trip? It is so easy to decide to spend some money and make an escapade, but do I really, really need it? Will it add to my anxiety when I realise I have overspent? I love travelling, but as I have written before, travelling is a mindset. 

3. Start a bullet journal. The task list gets daunting and it stays. So it will leave you with no choice, but to tackle them. 

4. De-clutter everything and everywhere. I admit, this is still a work-in-progress. No, you don't get a view of my room. 

5. Finish all my books and stop buying new ones (The latter is really hard to keep to. I mean... how can I resist? What I do to manage and reconcile this desire to buy books, is to read the new books first and complete them!)

6. Think you are a perfectionist?  Ignore that, stop putting yourself on a pedestal.  Learn to let go. 

7. Ruminate less... According to a Fast Company article, a lot of times, we are ruminating over failures, and we let negativity overwhelm us and that stalls our progress. For me, in particular, I ruminate over the ideal of the task completion way too much than the actual execution. It is akin to a scenario of a kid thumbing through the pages of the textbook to see how much more he/she has left to go before the chapter is completed.  So, simply start doing. 

8. Work with people / surround yourself with people and friends who are the complete opposite of that; they are sticklers for deadlines and timelines and are just unbelievably disciplined. 

Yes! I'm done with the blogpost. One task off the checklist! I can sleep more soundly tonight. ;) 

P/S: That said, some things and affairs are not meant to be completed. If they suck, they suck.

(MON)DAY #7: Don't Buy That Bag, Buy Time Instead

A friend of mine recently quit her job. Her reasons were unique to her situation: overworked, underpaid and unsatisfied with her work culture and environment, she felt she didn't have the time and energy to focus on things she did want to do - learn something new, live a healthier life. She decided to take a hiatus to achieve those things for herself.

Practical as always, I asked how she managed it. Being without income is a nervewrecking prospect and she probably sensed that in my question.

What she said gave me great food for thought.

I couldn't find a reason to argue with that.  

It's interesting that we are ever so ready to part with our cash for material things - bags and shoes - or even to travel and find temporary escape from our lives, but less willing to spend money to buy ourselves time to build upon ourselves and our lives.

More than anything else, time is something we only have less of as we grow older, so it would seem a more precious commodity than anything material.

I've fallen in love with the idea of time as something to invest or to invest in, so that every day counts towards building a life that I wake up loving and excited about. As I turn 27 this weekend, I am more aware than ever of my desire to build a life I won't want to escape from.

It can manifest in the more 'extreme' form of quitting your job, or a milder version like taking a short sabbatical.

For me, I'm taking baby steps.

Every weekend, I make an effort to invest time in my future. I spend time researching ideas I have to see if any of them have legs. I've made plans to start a Coursera course to learn more about branding and digital.

Each month, I resolve to save up resources so that one day, buying time can be an option.

Maybe next time you think about buying something for yourself, as retail therapy, you can consider buying time for yourself instead.

P.S. Coursera is a platform that partners with top universities around the globe, offering courses on everything from coding to history, for free. Check out what courses they have available here.