(MON)DAY #24: GROWING OLDER AND WISER

Maybe this is all part and parcel of growing old but I have been choosing to stay at home to read and watch what I would like to think, meaningful videos over going out and partying.

I still like to head out, drink myself silly, shake my bon-bon and get lost in music -- after all girls wanna have fun.  Of late however, there is a desire for or rather a sense of overwhelmingly YES-THAT-FEELS RIGHT kind of acceptance about introspection (or maybe it is just plain laziness). 

Read the three signs of my newly acquired wisdom. Hmmm..

YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM YOURSELF IN THE QUIET.

I meditate or I try to meditate now. I am using Headspace app; I even went for my first meditation class this year!  It felt strange hearing someone guiding you to connect to every part of your body and soul. When the teacher said, "Give thanks to your heart," I teared a little. 

Oh yes, my heart, you have been working very hard! I haven't thanked you enough for the love you have been giving and receiving. 

I'm also finally ready for a silent retreat known as Vipassana. A friend shared this with me a few years ago and I have been intrigued since. I thought about going for the retreat twice before. The first time was well, when I first heard about it and the second time was when I was nursing a heartbreak and I thought I needed a flushing mechanism. Yet, not talking for ten days straight still felt like an insane concept then. I didn't think I was ready to confront myself. 

This year, strangely, I feel like I am ready for it. This readiness is not confidence. To be honest, I'm not sure if I can survive the ten days. I think this has to do with the fact that I can accept whatever outcome the retreat brings me to. Hearing a good friend share her personal experience also helps to manage my expectations. 

While I can't articulate the benefits of Vipassana just yet, I can tell you meditation works wonders. I feel more at peace than I was before - less anxious and more forgiving. I'm still trying to get a spot in one of the Vipassana centres in the region! 

To explore from within, here are the few channels:

• Meditation app: https://www.headspace.com/headspace-meditation-app
• Vipassana: https://www.dhamma.org

PEOPLE CAN ONLY MEET YOU AS DEEPLY AS THEY HAVE MET THEMSELVES.

Watch this. 

I recently fell in love with a project called {THE AND}.  I've been advocating the content series in my own way via Whatsapp to my friends and family for the past few weeks. It started as a voyeuristic peek into a conversation between two exes, then it transformed into a sort of a mission for me. 

To quote the creative director of The Skin Deep, the team behind this project,

"A relationship is not you or I, him or her, Romeo or Juliet. It is about the "and" - you and I, him and her, Romeo and Juliet. It is {THE AND}, the space between. So what if we can take the user, the audience and put them in this space of all these other relationships?"

After watching some of these videos, I realise we are more connected than we think are to one another.

I often hear people around me avoiding difficult conversations with people they are in relationships with. Everything that I have heard from insecurities about finances, differences in parenting, infidelity to pure bliss of dating is echoed in the conversations of the featured couples that hail from the other side of the world. 

You will kind of feel that you are not alone in feeling what you are feeling. Next you will feel like it is ok to share, to talk it out and ask your loved one those questions you have been dying to ask. 

Being able to spend that uninterrupted time with your person and meet him or her as deeply as he or she wants to bring you there is really lovely. To me, that is intimacy. 

In an almost sweeping statement, a friend said that on our little island, people get together more for convenience and comfort rather than for connection and conversations. 

That is true, I remember thinking out loud, so true! This isn't anyone's fault though. We have been brought up in an environment and culture which has taught us that it is better to compromise and suck it up rather than to communicate and negotiate your differences with anyone you have a relationship with. 

While browsing Skin Deep Instagram, I saw a post that featured a Singaporean. {THE AND} is coming to our shores! Excitedly, I wrote to the producers, eager to be a part of this process. 

This is something that I believe in - I envision a world where people can freely communicate with their emotions. I spoke to the producers in Singapore and voila, they are looking for more participants. So here I am, trying to help. 

I know what you are thinking. 

Aren't we displaying our relationship in front of the whole wide world? What if I look ugly on camera? What if this tears the relationship apart? What if skeletons from the closet are being dug out? 

These are completely valid thoughts. 

The producers explained to me that {THE AND} is a shared experience; it is not an interview. It is akin to two people learning how to rock climb or preparing a meal together. You are having a conversation together, helmed by some questions that can help you and your person open up a little more than usual. And you always have a choice to keep quiet, to take more time to answer a question; you won't be put in a spot. You can be an inspiration to the rest of the world, just by being yourself and being honest. It is an experience that goes as deeply as you want it to be. 

If you are keen to have a {THE AND} experience with anyone you are in a relationship with, it can be your parent, sibling, child, colleague, friend, send me a Facebook/Whatsapp/IG/email message and I'll link you up. 

Some of my other favourite videos:

I GOT MOSS GROWING IN MY BEDROOM. 

This may seem like quite an off-beat sign of my "wisdom", but I am going to qualify it as one anyway.  I gave a story I wrote to InOut and briefed the terrarium maker to design something that he thinks fits the narrative. 

What I hope to learn from this process is to be able to commit to taking care of a living thing - serious wisdom coming from a twenty-eight year woman. 

It is a huge commitment for me. I hope it doesn't die. I really do! 

If you think terrariums technically can survive on their own, you have been deceived. My friend's terrarium died. 

This terrarium of mine has an independent streak, but my attention is still required from time to time. (Isn't that a perfect fit for me!) I've been advised to check the moistness of the moss and to clean the condensation and to water it whenever necessary.  

• To get a wonderful world of moss and plants that you can gaze at, hit up https://www.inoutatelier.com/. 

P.S. I really like how the terrarium maker is understanding of my whimsical brief and how he plays along with it. Thank you! :) 

If this is what it means to grow old, I must say I am liking it very much. 

(MON)DAY #23 THE GIFT OF GIVING

It's hard to believe that 2016 is drawing to a close and 2017 is just round the corner.

With Christmas just a few days away, many of us are feeling our nerves cracking under the weight of gifts that we've yet to prepare.

Before you run to Orchard Road for last minute shopping, or click frantically online in search for gifts that will arrive in time for that Christmas dinner, STOP. Take a breath, calm yourself, and consider gifts that will keep giving to others, beyond the one intended recipient.

#SYRIA & #ALEPPO

2016 has been a year of disappointments and tragedy. Nearly five years on, the people of Syria are still fighting and the most recent news from Aleppo was heart-breaking. The world watched as innocent civilians send out final pleas for help, in a city already cruelly marked by devastation and destruction.

Like many others, I was equal parts stunned by the violence and helplessness. Then I decided to do something. I started by signing Amnesty International's petition demanding the safe evacuation of people from Aleppo, joining my voice with others.

This year, S requested that I use the money I would have spent on a gift for him on charity. I decided to donate it to Doctors without Borders, so that those in need can receive medical aid, regardless of their race, religion, gender or political leanings. Their work in Syria has become more difficult, but ever invaluable.

#REDUCE / #RECYCLE
Retail therapy may bring great joy but it also drives huge production, use of resources and waste.

This festive season, why not try supporting alternatives to fast fashion instead?

Instead of buying a piece of fast fashion or retail, try shopping at Dark Horse Vintage instead.

If vintage isn't for you, here are some of our favourite businesses that source for their materials and labour ethnically and consciously:

• For the Yogis and active bunnies - Teeki 
• For the jewellery lover - Article 22 produces lovely pieces handcrafted in Laos from Vietnam War shrapnel
• For the beauty love - Lush 
• For the sun lover - Riz Board Shorts
• For the fashionista - People Tree produces garments made of organic cotton and sustainable materials, using traditional skills that support rural communities

#SUPPORTINDEPENDENTBUSINESSES
The last and the simplest - support your local independent businesses.

Behind every indie is a person (or more) who has poured passion into their business. When you buy from them, trust me when I say that you make their day(s).

By Pastel Fox

Some of my favourite local businesses:

• For fresh blooms to light up someone's home and heart - Bloom Room
• For socially conscious fashion - MATTER, THE MINDFUL COMPANY
• For kids - Sea Apple
• For entertainment - The Projector 
• For men - Gnome & Bow
• For the beauty lover - Allies of Skin 

(MON)DAY #22 THE ART OF SLOW TRAVEL

As an avid traveler, I was eager to see everything, do everything and go everywhere. Hence whirlwind tours such as my ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ inspired Graduation Trip in 2011 where I covered New York, Toronto, New Orleans, San Francisco and LA in three weeks. 

Memorable? Yes.

Restful? No.

Meaningful? The jury is still out on that front.

Since my last frenetic campaign across Europe two years ago (five cities, two weeks, frazzled nerves all around), I’ve changed my habits in favour of slow travel. I have a reasonable amount of annual leave and despite their precious nature, my typical trip now lasts at least five days to a week (a full week, gasp!) in a single location. 

From Bali to Rome, slow travel allows me to savour each city slowly, sate myself carefully and come back more rested.

Here are ten nifty steps to help you get started on the art of slow travel.

1. Location is everything. 

But in a world as vast and diverse as ours, you’re never short of options. The trouble will be deciding. 

Want a beach holiday with a bit of everything - sun, sand, ohmmm and shopping? Book your tickets to Bali.

Looking for exotic adventure in a developing country? Head to Myanmar.

Is art, history and culture more your thing? Pretty hard to beat Rome (but I’m biased).

Are you a city slicker who can never get enough? London! New York! Tokyo!

2. Plan loosely

With at least a week (or slightly less) in a single location, you have plenty of time! Make a list of things that you’d like to do, see, try, taste in the location of your choice. Mark out your ‘must dos’ for special attention (i.e. make sure you do them).

Find out the best times to do these things - mornings are normally the best for temple runs while some restaurants only open for business in the evening. Find out if you need a guide for these things and book them. 

Then, plan loosely. You don’t need to have an excel sheet with an hourly-break down. A good balance would be one to two major activities per day. 

You’ll leave plenty of time to have sleep-ins, long lunches, and wander the city like a local. If you like something and want seconds, you can even go back and get it! 

3. Choose your Companions Carefully

There isn’t a right or wrong way to travel, but everyone has their own style and finding someone who gets it is incredibly important. 

If you haven’t travelled with this person, it’s best to start that conversation on their travel habits (not just what they like to do, but how they like to do it).

That person who must get up at the crack of dawn and requires all to? Out.

How about the one that must plan every single minute of the trip? Out.

The one that needs to be on the move, always? Out. 

The art of slow travel requires company that understands and subscribes to it too. Share this article with them to get the discussion going. 

Of course, you don’t have to travel with a plus one. Going solo is a great option too. 

4. Where to Stay?

They say home is where the heart is, so go with what you like. 

Personally, I like staying slightly out of the center of things - close enough to where all the buzz is, far enough to get a little peace and quiet. 

Tip - if you’re doing a trip longer than a week and am planning to AirBnb it, I like to mix it up with a couple nights at a great hotel at the end. One with amazing beds and sheets is an extra nice treat at the end of the trip that’ll make you feel twice as rested (but not cost an arm and a leg). 

5. Just Do It

As the folks at Nike will say, just do it! That’s the only way you’ll find out if slow travel is for you. 

Bon Voyage! 

(Mon)day #21 Three Things a True Blue Romantic needs

It is very easy to identify what I call an obvious romantic like me. A stereotypical romantic is into arts, culture, music and poetry. The arty-farty. 

Naturally there are closet romantics too. Sometimes they may seem like the most practical and no-nonsense type of people who claim they value stability over romance and may even chastise their hopelessly romantic counterparts. Yet when they are alone or have a chance to ruminate, they carry the same kind of ideals which they amplify silently in their heads. Usually these ideals remain so obscure that they won't even realise until they manifest into issues which they have to overcome.

So this is really for all of us who grow up in this romantically-charged era. (Our parents included) 

Most of us are somewhat true blue romantics. 

There's nothing wrong with romance. Romanticism has allowed individuals to connect over emotions. It has given birth to great art, Korean dramas series and sensational Tumblr postings. Even this piece of writing can be a defiant demonstration of Romanticism! (I must be idealistic and romantic enough to think that a post can even seed some thoughts into strangers.) 

The thing is you can't just survive on romance. If you currently are, then evidence has shown that this soon will also pass. (I know, cryptic!)  

I thought I'll share some books, articles and films that I've come across recently. They may help make a Romantic's perspective more hm, holistic.  The best way though is to really go through real-life events that will shake your beliefs and make you deeply question behaviour like following your heart and feelings. 

Nevertheless, here are the three things that may give you a shortcut to wisdom (ok, I might have dramatised):

1. The Course of Love by Alain de Botton

"If you find them attractive, you get on with them, they like you, that is about as good as you need," said Alain de Botton in an interview . (Watch the video clip on the site too) 

Really, is that all we need? What about a sense of humour? What about that ability to be spontaneous? What about mind-blowing, unexplainable chemistry? What about that bit about making each other a better person? 

It sounds a bit sad and yes, unromantic to reduce "love to be a skill, rather than an enthusiasm" we have known it to be. My personal observations and experiences have made me more receptive to the notion of enlightened romantic pessimism highlighted in the novel.

Still reading this novel has kind of sobered me up even more. Repeatedly, this book drills the concept into me  that each individual is grappling with his or her own inner demons, madness, insecurities and demands that sometimes he or she can't fully articulate.

So we unleash them in words and actions that look like idiocy, intensity or insensitivity to the other party.

What we see may not always be what they mean.

Maturity comes when we fully understand that no one person can fully sympathise with you, and that is perfectly normal! Another sign of maturity that Alain has defined is the ability to recognise our own madness without being defensive.

My favourite quotes:

• "There's no such person over the long term. We are too varied and peculiar. There cannot be lasting congruence (!). The partner truly best suited to us is not the one who miraculously happens to share every taste, but the one who can negotiate differences in taste with intelligence and good grace." 

• "We accept that in a number of areas, our partner will be wiser, more reasonable, and more mature than we are and we would want to learn from them. We should bear having things pointed out to us. Only if we were already perfect, could the idea of mutual education be dismissed as unloving." 

• "Compatibility is an achievement of love, not a pre-condition." 

The last quote overthrows many literature and articles on love and that age-old debate - is compatibility or chemistry more important for a relationship? The novel is saying that none matters as much as your willingness and openness to acknowledge that people are compatible with you until they aren't and vice versa. I've seen the seemingly most compatible couples break up and seemingly most incompatible couples still working out...

Alain's words make sense to me in a non-idealistic and non-romantic way. No sparks. No deep stirrings in my heart. I didn't feel an impulse to break into reveries or scrolls of poetry after finishing the book. Nor did it grow into cynicism or disbelief.  (By the way, "cynics are usually idealists with unusually high standards," says the philosopher.)

I simply accepted his words not with resignation, but with awareness.

They just really make sense. 

2. The Happy Film by Sagmeister (Spoiler's Alert) 

Before watching it at Singapore Design Film Festival, I was very close to dismissing it as a hipster film. A movie about happiness? It must be cheesy and lame. Partly convinced by Sagmeister's credentials as a designer, I decided to watch it -- on my own. 

Halfway through the film, I started to shake off my shoes and hug my knees in the theatre. 

A very clear and good sign of pure enjoyment. 

The film was weird and hilarious at times. This documentary was made in over six years. (How did they sieve through all the footage and edit the story when the story they set out to tell obviously had changed?)

I found myself smiling at Sagmeister's silly confession of keeping a rule of not dating anyone who is more than 20 years younger than him. Such sheepish honesty. 

It is a stunning visual treat and awfully real at the same time. Sagmeister's search for happiness and "scientific approach" towards attaining it proved to be futile, because as the adage goes, some things were just not within his control. And even when they were, at that time, he refused to control them and let them run amok and wild. The film, like he said, shows "what a mess life really is." 

Fairly unsettling. Again, it sweeps romanticism out of the window. 

The lesson from the film is there is no point obsessing over happiness; it is the admission that we can't sustain a level of complete happiness. We ought to be thankful for those small moments. 

Some of my favourite quotes:

• "People who avoid commitment are really avoiding conflict..."

• “The unconscious mind is a big elephant and the conscious mind is a tiny rider who thinks he can tell the elephant what to do. But in real life, the sub-conscious mind has its own ideas and direction.”

3. Do Over: Rescue Monday, Reinvent Your Work, and Never Get Stuck by Jon Acuff 

This is the driest of the lot. The Course of Love talks about love - super relatable. The Happy Film looks beautiful.  Do Over focuses on the thing that we spend sometimes more than our lives on. Being all romantic and idealistic about your career is, to me, a recipe for disaster. Questions like "what's your ideal job" will run up against what this book is about. 

I've come to recognise that there is no job or one role that I pin myself down to achieve. I only have lessons I want to learn and experiences I want to go through. I enjoy sometimes seeing how the currents of change can take me to places I didn't even expect myself to be in. 

My favourite quote: "Choose your attitude every day until eventually it chooses you right back. It's not about feeling happy or feeling committed to your work or feeling like being a good employee. Feelings are the flightiest things in the world, held to the whimsy of a thousand factors. Feelings will tell you the day is already ruined because you woke up on the wrong side of the bed or had a bad commute that morning. Don't listen to feelings. Make choices. Today, choose a good attitude. This is the one thing you can do right this minute to actually shock your boss, improve your work relationships, and dramatically increase your long-term odds of an awesome career."

While the quote downplays the importance of feelings, feelings are not always trivial. They can be sometimes telling, but we shouldn't hold ourselves captive to mere feelings and let them determine our actions. The book also tells us how crucial it is not to have a fixed mindset when it comes to your career goals. 

***

If you ask me if I am still a romantic, yes I am, but I'm no longer a hopeless romantic or idealist. 

There are benefits of being a romantic. You sometimes believe in things larger than yourself and what you can see, feel or hear. You believe in fun and understand that playfulness and lightness can make your day and someone else's day. And of course, romance too ignites hope and sometimes is the force that kick-starts everything.

So as abstract, serious and over-the-top as the term may sound, I quite like the meaning behind enlightened romantic pessimism. It means I'm a romantic at heart, but have gained more insight and become more sympathetic when reality doesn't fit the romantic ideal. 

It also ironically gives me hope because almost everything or everyone you meet in career and relationships and have fondness for becomes equally possible and impossible. 

Sounds a little incomprehensible, but I think you'll get I mean after you have read/watched the three stories! 

*** 

(MON)DAY #20 HOW PRIVILEGED ARE YOU?

How privileged are you? 

Do you know the answer to that question? And do you know how much more or less privileged you are in relation to your peers?

I am privileged. I went to a good school with good teachers (along with some weird ones) and never had to worry about not having enough. Most of my friends that I have met through school and those in my social circle are likewise in a similar if not better socio-economic class.

But while I at least have that self-awareness, life shows you all the time that there are many out there who don't.

I urge you to try this experiment out. This a simple but powerful experience to illustrate how much impact things that are out of our control by simple virtue of birth and circumstance can affect the rest of our lives.

Answer a series of questions about your life and take a step forward or backward.
At the end of 35 questions, look at where you stand against everyone else.
That is privilege.

Do it with your friends, but not just your friends. In a country like Singapore where the school you go to influences the diversity of your social network, that immediately skews results.
Do it with your colleagues from all walks of lives, friends of all cultures.
Do it with strangers, if you have the opportunity to.
If you can't, just do it on your own, like I did.

I think it will be a profound experience of discovery.

Here are my answers and my privilege result:

If your parents worked nights and weekends to support your family, take one step back. 

Steps taken so far: 0

If you are able to move through the world without fear of sexual assault, take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 0

If you can show affection for your romantic partner in public without fear of ridicule or violence, take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 1 step forward

If you have ever been diagnosed as having a physical or mental illness/disability, take one step back.

Steps taken so far: 1 step forward 

If the primary language spoken in your household growing up was not english, take one step back.

Steps taken so far: 1 step forward 

If you came from a supportive family environment take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 2 steps forward 

If you have ever tried to change your speech or mannerisms to gain credibility, take one step back.

Steps taken so far: 2 steps forward 

If you can go anywhere in the country, and easily find the kinds of hair products you need and/or cosmetics that match your skin color, take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 3 steps forward 

If you were embarrassed about your clothes or house while growing up, take one step back.

Steps taken so far: 2 steps forward (Personally I think this is a result of the socio-economic group I found myself in. It was a privileged group and there was a lot of upward comparison that made me feel like we didn't have as much. However on hindsight everything I had was more than adequate). 

If you can make mistakes and not have people attribute your behavior to flaws in your racial/gender group, take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 3 steps forward 

If you can legally marry the person you love, regardless of where you live, take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 4 steps forward 

If you were born in the United States (or in our case, Singapore), take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 5 steps forward 

If you or your parents have ever gone through a divorce, take one step back.

Steps taken so far: 5 steps forward 

If you felt like you had adequate access to healthy food growing up, take one step forward

Steps taken so far: 6 steps forward 

If you are reasonably sure you would be hired for a job based on your ability and qualifications, take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 7 steps forward 

If you would never think twice about calling the police when trouble occurs, take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 8 steps forward 

If you can see a doctor whenever you feel the need, take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 9 steps forward 

If you feel comfortable being emotionally expressive/open, take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 10 steps forward 

If you have ever been the only person of your race/gender/socio-economic status/ sexual orientation in a classroom or workplace setting, please take one step back.

Steps taken so far: 10 steps forward 

If you took out loans for your education take one step backward.

Steps taken so far: 9 steps forward 

If you get time off for your religious holidays, take one step forward. 

Steps taken so far: 10 steps forward 

If you had a job during your high school and college years, take one step back.

Steps taken so far: 10 steps forward (I did teach tuition but it was more for extra spending money so I don't count that). 

If you feel comfortable walking home alone at night, take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 10 steps forward 

If you have ever traveled outside the United States (or in our case, Singapore), take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 11 steps forward 

If you have ever felt like there was NOT adequate or accurate representation of your racial group, sexual orientation group, gender group, and/or disability group in the media, take one step back.

Steps taken so far: 11 steps forward 

If you feel confident that your parents would be able to financially help/support you if you were going through a financial hardship, take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 12 steps forward 

If you have ever been bullied or made fun of based on something that you can’t change, take one step back.

Steps taken so far: 12 steps forward 

If there were more than 50 books in your house growing up, take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 13 steps forward 

If you studied the culture or the history of your ancestors in elementary school take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 14 steps forward 

If your parents or guardians attended college, take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 14 steps forward 

If you ever went on a family vacation, take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 15 steps forward 

If you can buy new clothes or go out to dinner when you want to, take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 16 steps forward 

If you were ever offered a job because of your association with a friend or family member, take one step forward.

Steps taken so far: 17 steps forward 

If one of your parents was ever laid off or unemployed not by choice, take one step back.

Steps taken so far: 17 steps forward 

If you were ever uncomfortable about a joke or a statement you overheard related to your race, ethnicity, gender, appearance, or sexual orientation but felt unsafe to confront the situation, take one step back.

Steps taken so far: 17 steps forward 


My final result: 17 steps forward from the starting line
What's your privilege? 

(MON)DAY #19 BEING HUMAN

"Human beings are awful creatures."

At some point, because of someone's comments or behaviour, that thought has probably crossed your mind. God knows, it's certainly crossed mine when I had to deal with a self-centred bridezilla (maybe she was truly just having a bad day).

Still, such encounters grate your nerves and other times, events like that of 3 year old Aylan Kurdi make you despair. It makes you question human nature - are we intrinsically good or evil?

(AP Photo/DHA, File)

Recently however, I've discovered a new Facebook community that helps to remind me that there are good people out there. Humans of Singapore (our Lion City's own version of Humans of New York) has helped to restore my faith in mankind and restore hope that Singapore too can progress to be a more caring society.

Here are some of my favourite humans featured so far. Some of them are folks who have gone through incredible hardship yet maintain an optimistic perspective. Some of them radiate goodness and selflessness. It is both inspiring and comforting so I'd like to shed the spotlight on this community and invite you to follow the page to provide perspective and hope in your own daily life.

To the folks who run this amazing initiative, thank you for giving me hope by shining a light on these unsung heroes. It gives me reason to believe that old mandarin saying:

人之初，性本善。 People are born good.   Even if we sometimes lose our way.

(MON)DAY #18 The Bidding System & Science of Love

Me: "It is ok... never mind."

Friend: "You turned away from my bid!" 

It struck me that I wasn't practising what I "preached". I gave up on trying to explain myself when a friend of mine didn't really understand what I was driving at during a conversation. This came soon after I shared this article with her. When she said that, I stopped myself in my tracks and continued the conversation, mustering the energy to be kind even though my initial reaction was to clam up and escape.

"There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work."

 -- Master of Love 

Making requests for connection is known as "bids". One can then "turn toward" or "turn away" from the bids. It makes me reflect upon myself the number of times I have turned away from bids from friends, family and loved ones because I am "busy" and "pre-occupied" with my own thoughts, feelings or business. I have also begun to pay more attention to people who respond to my bids and show up whenever I need them. 

Sometimes, it is hard because we all have our different priorities in life and own sh*t to take care of. How do you give your time and attention up for another person or people? 

So you learn. You will learn when you open up, communicate and let the other person know. My friend telling me blatantly that I was turning away from the bid made me more self-aware. 

Another friend of mine tried keeping count of her bids secretly without her partner's knowledge by keeping track of the frequency of her bids, the number of times her bids were received and responded to and how often she reacted to her partner's bids. She then shared her experiment with her partner after a week. Sometimes we avoid scientific approaches to love and relationships because they are counter-intuitive. You may wonder, why does one need to read, learn, test and invest when it comes to the matters of heart. I have no studies to back this up, but I believe for most of the things to do, when we want to make it work,  we usually try to execute it in an effective and intelligent way. 

"The issue of marrying intelligently is not more systematically addressed at a national and personal level, as road safety or smoking are," wrote The Philosophers' Mail.   I will not claim that I know what constitutes marrying the right or wrong person (definitely not in my capacity!), but I agree that sometimes knowledge and a continuous quest to understand yourself and your prospective partners / loved ones better are terribly important. 

"Presently, we marry without any information. We almost never read books specifically on the subject, we never spend more than a short time with children, we don’t rigorously interrogate other married couples or speak with any sincerity to divorced ones. We go into it without any insightful reasons as to why marriages fail – beyond what we presume to be the idiocy or lack of imagination of their protagonists," said The Philosopher's Mail. 

While I am in no place to determine or to recommend what is right or wrong way of loving but i guess, there is really no harm in taking a more scientific approach sometimes in our relationships with people around us as my "bidding" experience has shown.  

So, this is my bid to our readers. Will you turn away or turn toward the bid? :)