It is very easy to identify what I call an obvious romantic like me. A stereotypical romantic is into arts, culture, music and poetry. The arty-farty.
Naturally there are closet romantics too. Sometimes they may seem like the most practical and no-nonsense type of people who claim they value stability over romance and may even chastise their hopelessly romantic counterparts. Yet when they are alone or have a chance to ruminate, they carry the same kind of ideals which they amplify silently in their heads. Usually these ideals remain so obscure that they won't even realise until they manifest into issues which they have to overcome.
So this is really for all of us who grow up in this romantically-charged era. (Our parents included)
Most of us are somewhat true blue romantics.
There's nothing wrong with romance. Romanticism has allowed individuals to connect over emotions. It has given birth to great art, Korean dramas series and sensational Tumblr postings. Even this piece of writing can be a defiant demonstration of Romanticism! (I must be idealistic and romantic enough to think that a post can even seed some thoughts into strangers.)
The thing is you can't just survive on romance. If you currently are, then evidence has shown that this soon will also pass. (I know, cryptic!)
I thought I'll share some books, articles and films that I've come across recently. They may help make a Romantic's perspective more hm, holistic. The best way though is to really go through real-life events that will shake your beliefs and make you deeply question behaviour like following your heart and feelings.
Nevertheless, here are the three things that may give you a shortcut to wisdom (ok, I might have dramatised):
1. The Course of Love by Alain de Botton
"If you find them attractive, you get on with them, they like you, that is about as good as you need," said Alain de Botton in an interview . (Watch the video clip on the site too)
Really, is that all we need? What about a sense of humour? What about that ability to be spontaneous? What about mind-blowing, unexplainable chemistry? What about that bit about making each other a better person?
It sounds a bit sad and yes, unromantic to reduce "love to be a skill, rather than an enthusiasm" we have known it to be. My personal observations and experiences have made me more receptive to the notion of enlightened romantic pessimism highlighted in the novel.
Still reading this novel has kind of sobered me up even more. Repeatedly, this book drills the concept into me that each individual is grappling with his or her own inner demons, madness, insecurities and demands that sometimes he or she can't fully articulate.
So we unleash them in words and actions that look like idiocy, intensity or insensitivity to the other party.
What we see may not always be what they mean.
Maturity comes when we fully understand that no one person can fully sympathise with you, and that is perfectly normal! Another sign of maturity that Alain has defined is the ability to recognise our own madness without being defensive.
My favourite quotes:
The last quote overthrows many literature and articles on love and that age-old debate - is compatibility or chemistry more important for a relationship? The novel is saying that none matters as much as your willingness and openness to acknowledge that people are compatible with you until they aren't and vice versa. I've seen the seemingly most compatible couples break up and seemingly most incompatible couples still working out...
Alain's words make sense to me in a non-idealistic and non-romantic way. No sparks. No deep stirrings in my heart. I didn't feel an impulse to break into reveries or scrolls of poetry after finishing the book. Nor did it grow into cynicism or disbelief. (By the way, "cynics are usually idealists with unusually high standards," says the philosopher.)
I simply accepted his words not with resignation, but with awareness.
They just really make sense.
Still reading this novel has kind of sobered me up even more. Repeatedly, this book drills the concept into me that each individual is grappling with his or her own inner demons, madness, insecurities and demands that sometimes he or she can't fully articulate.
So we unleash them in words and actions that look like idiocy, intensity or insensitivity to the other party.
What we see may not always be what they mean.
Maturity comes when we fully understand that no one person can fully sympathise with you, and that is perfectly normal! Another sign of maturity that Alain has defined is the ability to recognise our own madness without being defensive.
My favourite quotes:
- "There's no such person over the long term. We are too varied and peculiar. There cannot be lasting congruence (!). The partner truly best suited to us is not the one who miraculously happens to share every taste, but the one who can negotiate differences in taste with intelligence and good grace."
- "We accept that in a number of areas, our partner will be wiser, more reasonable, and more mature than we are and we would want to learn from them. We should bear having things pointed out to us. Only if we were already perfect, could the idea of mutual education be dismissed as unloving."
- "Compatibility is an achievement of love, not a pre-condition."
The last quote overthrows many literature and articles on love and that age-old debate - is compatibility or chemistry more important for a relationship? The novel is saying that none matters as much as your willingness and openness to acknowledge that people are compatible with you until they aren't and vice versa. I've seen the seemingly most compatible couples break up and seemingly most incompatible couples still working out...
Alain's words make sense to me in a non-idealistic and non-romantic way. No sparks. No deep stirrings in my heart. I didn't feel an impulse to break into reveries or scrolls of poetry after finishing the book. Nor did it grow into cynicism or disbelief. (By the way, "cynics are usually idealists with unusually high standards," says the philosopher.)
I simply accepted his words not with resignation, but with awareness.
They just really make sense.
2. The Happy Film by Sagmeister (Spoiler's Alert)
Before watching it at Singapore Design Film Festival, I was very close to dismissing it as a hipster film. A movie about happiness? It must be cheesy and lame. Partly convinced by Sagmeister's credentials as a designer, I decided to watch it -- on my own.
Halfway through the film, I started to shake off my shoes and hug my knees in the theatre.
A very clear and good sign of pure enjoyment.
The film was weird and hilarious at times. This documentary was made in over six years. (How did they sieve through all the footage and edit the story when the story they set out to tell obviously had changed?)
I found myself smiling at Sagmeister's silly confession of keeping a rule of not dating anyone who is more than 20 years younger than him. Such sheepish honesty.
It is a stunning visual treat and awfully real at the same time. Sagmeister's search for happiness and "scientific approach" towards attaining it proved to be futile, because as the adage goes, some things were just not within his control. And even when they were, at that time, he refused to control them and let them run amok and wild. The film, like he said, shows "what a mess life really is."
Fairly unsettling. Again, it sweeps romanticism out of the window.
The lesson from the film is there is no point obsessing over happiness; it is the admission that we can't sustain a level of complete happiness. We ought to be thankful for those small moments.
Some of my favourite quotes:
- "People who avoid commitment are really avoiding conflict..."
- “The unconscious mind is a big elephant and the conscious mind is a tiny rider who thinks he can tell the elephant what to do. But in real life, the sub-conscious mind has its own ideas and direction.”
This is the driest of the lot. The Course of Love talks about love - super relatable. The Happy Film looks beautiful. Do Over focuses on the thing that we spend sometimes more than our lives on. Being all romantic and idealistic about your career is, to me, a recipe for disaster. Questions like "what's your ideal job" will run up against what this book is about.
I've come to recognise that there is no job or one role that I pin myself down to achieve. I only have lessons I want to learn and experiences I want to go through. I enjoy sometimes seeing how the currents of change can take me to places I didn't even expect myself to be in.
My favourite quote: "Choose your attitude every day until eventually it chooses you right back. It's not about feeling happy or feeling committed to your work or feeling like being a good employee. Feelings are the flightiest things in the world, held to the whimsy of a thousand factors. Feelings will tell you the day is already ruined because you woke up on the wrong side of the bed or had a bad commute that morning. Don't listen to feelings. Make choices. Today, choose a good attitude. This is the one thing you can do right this minute to actually shock your boss, improve your work relationships, and dramatically increase your long-term odds of an awesome career."
While the quote downplays the importance of feelings, feelings are not always trivial. They can be sometimes telling, but we shouldn't hold ourselves captive to mere feelings and let them determine our actions. The book also tells us how crucial it is not to have a fixed mindset when it comes to your career goals.
***
If you ask me if I am still a romantic, yes I am, but I'm no longer a hopeless romantic or idealist.
There are benefits of being a romantic. You sometimes believe in things larger than yourself and what you can see, feel or hear. You believe in fun and understand that playfulness and lightness can make your day and someone else's day. And of course, romance too ignites hope and sometimes is the force that kick-starts everything.
So as abstract, serious and over-the-top as the term may sound, I quite like the meaning behind enlightened romantic pessimism. It means I'm a romantic at heart, but have gained more insight and become more sympathetic when reality doesn't fit the romantic ideal.
It also ironically gives me hope because almost everything or everyone you meet in career and relationships and have fondness for becomes equally possible and impossible.
Sounds a little incomprehensible, but I think you'll get I mean after you have read/watched the three stories!
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